Magnetic Opportunities

Back in the mid 1990’s I was engaged to this one woman whose parents were the sweetest people you’d ever meet. I mean nice to the point of it being almost repugnant. They were into some weird things and back in those days junk science was especially trendy. This one thing they got into was basically your run-of-the-mill Amway-like pyramid scheme but instead of selling you compact disc holders and bath & beauty products, they sold magnets that were supposedly proven to cure you of everything from minor muscle pain to cancer.

Magnets, people.

First of all, they had zero evidence of this because the whole idea is beyond bat shit crazy. Second, they were claiming that these magical little magnets were actually better for you  than traditional medicine. You know, actual evidence-based science. I remember going to one of their recruiting sessions, not because I was interested but because I wanted to be supportive for my fiance’s parents and it was a couple of hours of absolute insanity.

So let me get this straight, you toss a Japanese logo on a couple of plain ol’ magnets and all I need to do is stuff one in my underpants to get rid of these hemorrhoids? Great, sign me up! Now you want me to talk my friends into become reps so they can lie to the people with real pain and discomfort so you can make a buck? Well, sir, I must say this a mighty fine offer! I’d be stupid not to jump on board this dandy opportunity!

If there are people that dumb and are willing to fork over their money then I’m going to start one of these fake medical fads: Mother Earth’s Excremental Wellness Cream. I’ll take some cat turds, add a little smoothing agent and package it with some light, minimalist branding and say it’s and ancient secret from Asia. I’ll make a ton of cash knowing all I did was get people to rub kitty dung on themselves. And here’s the thing...they will probably get sick but once they stop using it (on the label I’ll say to use it for no longer than a week at a time), they’ll get better and their minds are so fucked up they’ll think the stuff brought out their illness so they felt a little sicker and when they stop the daily application of my miracle poop cream, them recovering will seem like magic.

Or I could just rally for science instead of woo.